Can God be Feminine and Motherly?

This article a friend posted on facebook today, sent my brain into a whirlwind of thoughts that I just HAD to put somewhere. I started to share my thoughts on facebook but then quickly realized what a mistake it would be to drag that drama into my life today. People really have a hard time with things like this but I don’t know why it has to be that way. So, the article is about a catholic priest that died for 48 minutes and came back to life. He experienced God as a being of light that was feminine and motherly.

So, of course the comment section is full of people getting upset and offended and calling the priest a liar or just crazy. Maybe he really is not fully mentally coherent. But still, the thought of God being motherly is an attractive thought to me. Why does it make everyone so upset that God can be motherly? The article title was misleading, I think. The priest didn’t exactly say, “God is a woman”. He said God was a “being of light” that felt feminine and motherly. Even though I had always referred to God as “He”, I do remember a discussion about how God is actually neither male nor female. God is just “God”. I had forgotten about this concept but it makes sense to me that God is genderless. If God made man and woman after “His” own image, then couldn’t God’s “image” be both male and female? God could be motherly and/or fatherly whenever God wants to. God is God, after all. God can do whatever God wants! 🙂

I find it very comforting to consider crossing over to the other side after death and being greeted with a motherly embrace from God. Why can’t people relax and remind themselves that they don’t know everything there is to know about God. Why can’t people consider the fact that God and the other side is so different and outside of our human comprehension that it’s near impossible to describe it with words. That priest did the best he could with the words he has. I am sad for the priest that people will shun him and pass him off as crazy. I almost feel slightly offended that God being “feminine” and “motherly” is so offensive to so many people! What’s so bad about that?! Geez.

desperate vent. i feel alone.

This is totally off-subject but I can’t think of a single person that has the time or is trustworthy enough to handle anything I need to say.

I feel alone, yet smothered by people needing things. I love my 3 boys but some days I am just not very good at this.

I watch my silent husband shuffle through the house to lay in a different place “to rest his eyes” and all that goes through my mind is:

I miss you.

You might as well not be here. It is the same thing.

I’m tired of being the strong one. When will someone be strong for me.

Letter to Kathy (the Bible Has Problems)

I’m reblogging this because it’s good and because I don’t want to lose it–I want to keep studying this. It is so much information that I can’t take it all in my adhd brain in one sitting. I am finding more and more people that are not afraid to let themselves analyze the correctness of the Bible–and in a respectful way. I’m not into tearing it apart. I just want to know the real truth behind it so I can believe in something. Why can’t today’s Christians question things at all? We’re not ‘questioning God’, we’re questioning the stuff that somebody wrote about God and then got interpreted by others who just might have gotten it wrong.

Finding Truth

Dear Kathy,

Since you graciously agreed (in our recent conversation) to let me present you with some examples of the Bible’s problems, I decided to do it in this way so it would have its own comment thread. As I’ve said, when I was a Christian, one strike against the Bible was not enough to shake my faith — maybe it only seemed problematic, maybe there was an explanation we hadn’t uncovered yet, maybe the historical accounts were wrong, etc. But as the problems began to mount up, I reached a point where I could no longer deny the fact that the Bible had actual errors.

A couple of suggestions before we begin. Try to be as open-minded about this as possible. As you go through these examples, ask yourself if God would allow such problems to exist in a message that he wanted all people to accept…

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What if no one would ever know your good deeds

What if no one in this life would ever know that you went to church? Would you still keep going?

What if no one in this life would ever know that you gave money or time to something? Would you still do it?cathedral-interior-1150136-m

How different would our actions be if we couldn’t brag about them?

Where is God? Not at church.

When I was a youngstill-a-hypocrite typical church-going Christian, I hated trying to discuss things like “where was God when…” or “How come all those Christians are so mean?” and all of those other hard-to-answer questions.
I was content to not give those questions much thought then but now I think about it a lot. The blanket answer for all of those questions was supposed to be something about how Satan is the reason for bad things and bad people, not God…or God “lets” us suffer for our own good, or some kind of similar shit.
The real answer is: Nobody Really Knows!
We all want to explain it away so that all of our other beliefs don’t get all messed up.

Well I’m back to thinking about all of that again. I know I’ll never know all the answers until I’m dead but my brain is not happy with that. It only takes a few small, insignificant events, mixed in with some bigger events to cause me to sink back into the I-hate-the-world-and-almost-everyone-in-it mode.

The stupidest, most insignificant event of them all makes me the angriest at this very moment. It shouldn’t. So now you’re going to hear about it. Aren’t you lucky?!

I guess it just drags up some old hurts. A neighbor and casual acquaintance several houses from me on my street (who just left on a missions trip to Brazil, because she’s so Christiany) recently got into an altercation with my closest neighbor and called me a bad parent because my “brats” ride their bikes on our cul-de-sac street (I guess). That’s the only reason I can think of that she would even be witness to. Or maybe it’s because she happened to drive by when the 4 yr old thought it was ok to pee in the yard? I don’t know. If she really knew me well, she would have much juicier things to blurt out since I’m a pretty open book but the point is…she just wanted to be critical or judgmental for whatever reason and she has continued to harass my neighbor/friend like a middle school bully (waving sarcastically and other childish things).

Yeah, I know there’s always some bad apples, but good luck finding any good apples these days. I know a few good ones. But not many at all. And I know a lot. The church that this woman goes to seems to harbor a whole lot of Christians that have been so blatantly evil to me I could punch them in the eye socket. There’s the Bible study group who didn’t want newcomers and so they refused to tell us where the next study was, then there’s the former co-worker/ex-friend who willingly admitted to me that she told lies to my boss to make me look bad on purpose. She had no remorse on her arrogant face when she said “I need to ask you for forgiveness because I’m teaching a bible study tomorrow on forgiveness”. There’s more, but you don’t want to hear all that…

I admit it, I’m still angry about these old events and I want to track these people down and yell at them and make them understand how deeply they hurt me. I think about them sitting in church on Sundays, grinning and glowing with pride as they sit there looking all Christian and feeling so proud of themselves. I’d love to burst their bubble. But it wouldn’t be fun unless I could do it Harper Valley PTA style. Look that old song up if you haven’t heard it.
It rules.
In fact, maybe I’ll write a song.
I could actually pull it off.
I know the music person and he likes me.
And he likes my singing.
All I’d have to do is ask if I could do a special song for The Lord one Sunday. Muaahaaahaahaaaa

Astrologers, Numerologists, Psychics, and the Bible Agree that April is a BIG month

There’s a blood moon next Tuesday (April 15), around 3am (EST).


…and because it’s fun to discuss, creep everybody out, and stir everybody up, there is a lot of things coming together if you keep up with prophesy and predictions:

A major cosmic event is taking place this month: The Cardinal Grand Cross. Astrologers are saying there is a “shitstorm” (I liked Maria DeSimone’s word for it) coming.

Some (possibly crazy people) think this is the beginning of the awakening. In other words, the world is about to fall apart in order to set itself straight.

Joseph Tittel, a psychic whose predictions are published in the NY Times because of their accuracy, talks about April as being a key month in the planet’s energetic shifts and in turn causes people to “go nuts” committing suicides and stuff. Natural disasters are also predicted for April. He said the “Ring of Fire” would experience lots of activity and the ring was indeed activated a week ago in Chile (8.2 earthquake).

Ring of Fire:


Then there’s the Bible prophesy (there’s already been lots of times where we could have thought a big event was going to happen according to Bible scriptures but it came and went. Still, it is interesting.)

Revelations 6:12…And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood

Luke 21:25…And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring

I don’t know how I feel about the Bible as a whole at this moment, but the prophecies can make a person squirm. It seems like it may have originated from a source who knew a little bit of something about future world events. The stage is pretty well set for it all to continue playing out:


What if the “return of Christ” is actually an “awakening”…the return of spirituality, TRUE spirituality where we think for ourselves instead of listening to today’s preachers.
Christ consciousness, as I have seen it written. I don’t know what the heck that actually means but I reckon I could deal with that.

OF COURSE, whatever happens this month will be vague and could be explained by a multitude of things and would never in a million years, BE a true miracle or sign that would make a questioner like myself actually find a truth. That would just be way too much to ask for. And whatever does NOT happen as predicted, everyone will back up and say “oh, it must be going to happen during the NEXT blood moon…in October.” So, there’s no use getting all excited about something big and interesting happening this month. It will all just be a passing headline here or there that could be considered a possible prediction coming true…sort of.

Origins of The Bible…if any

I thought a good place to start researching would be to find out the origins of the scriptures. Where did the stories come from? Who actually wrote them? I didn’t expect it to be SO difficult. I guess this would be yet another clue though.

I wanted to at least find the most accurate English translation. HA good luck with that, right?! Website after website argues nonstop about which translation is the best. Apparently, ALL of it is a big matter of opinion and everybody has one. It’s so frustrating!!

If there is a God and He wants us to know the truth…where the crap is it?? Why would He make it so freakin’ difficult to track it down?? Yet another reason to doubt Christianity’s “truth”. Having “faith” begins to just feel like stupidity when nothing can be explained logically!

That’s not God. That’s mental illness!

sacrificing_isaacFlipping through the channels last night, we stopped on The Bible series on the History channel just long enough to catch the scene where Abraham believes God has told him to kill his son Isaac for a sacrifice.


I had let this Bible story slip from my mind lately… this is another one of those things that just CAN’T be the true character of God (if there is one). If this IS God’s doing, then I don’t want to be a part of it. That is just wrong. Today, people kill their children or other people because they think God is telling them too. We call that mental illness!

I am sickened by all the Christians on my facebook feed talking about how powerful that scene was. Yeah, I couldn’t get it out of my head the rest of the night. It actually made me angry. That would just be completely mean and cruel for God to “test” us like that!

The next part is when a sweet little lamb is in the distance crying out toward Abraham, signaling that he could sacrifice the lamb instead.

Now I’m upset all over again!! I realize that part is controversial because some believe an angel is what appeared instead of a lamb. But still. They did sacrifice animals ALL the time. Why on Earth would God ever “need” us to sacrifice any living thing to him? He doesn’t “need” us to give him souls. So he needs it so we can prove our commitment to him, maybe? That seems kinda cruel and arrogant. “Kill your best fruits of your labor and crops to show me how much you love me!” God shouldn’t need us to prove our love like THAT.

If I can have way more compassion and sadness for the sacrificing of animals than even God had..what does that say about God? As much as I love to see justice served and terrible, evil people get what they deserve…I still have a hard time believing they should spend ETERNITY in hell…burning alive…constantly. Zap them from existence. Just make them poof, be gone. Why do they need to burn for all of eternity? But child abusers and serial killers…I could let that slide…they can burn, I guess. But then there’s the people who just never believed in Jesus. They are suppose to burn in hell forever too. Now that’s just CRAZY! Again – if I have so much more compassion and sadness in my soul for these people than even God (the God who is suppose to love us UNconditionally, and more than we can fathom) …what does that say about God???

That’s why I think the whole Abraham story is crap. If it did happen, it wasn’t God. The man was just schizophrenic. He probably did believe God told him that. That doesn’t mean it’s true though.

Dalai Lama must be evil then


Since the Dalai Lama is not Christian that would mean he’s supposedly headed to hell. This is one of the many reasons I began to question the “Jesus is the only way to heaven” thing. So a person can be pure as gold, but since they never said, “Hey Jesus, I believe your story.” then that’s it…to hell you go for eternity.

I can’t think of a single Christian leader that can hold a candle to the Dalai Lama.

Dalai Lama Quotes:

From the Outside Looking In

I never thought I’d be the kind of person that refuses to go to church. It hadn’t been that long ago that I was encouraging other church-less Christians to give church another chance. Now here I was. One of them. I felt guilty for not going to church. My son and I did visit a small nearby Methodist church a few times and they seemed like wonderful and nice people. Too nice. The pastor called me up to the front of the church to announce the “new visitor”. I appreciated the acknowledgement…I know he meant well.  Their attempt to make me feel welcome was a little much! ha! I still went back a few times though and I don’t really know why I didn’t continue. Looking back, I think it was just a time in my life that I needed to be away from all human influences when it came to spirituality.

In our new town, my new job was in the offices at a local liberal arts woman’s college. I had no idea what that was going to be like so it was quite a shock to my small-town, conservative mind to suddenly be in the midst of students from all over the world, different cultures, different religions, and different sexuality. It was intimidating. I only stayed for about a year and a half. It just wasn’t a place for me but I learned a lot during that trying time.

It was amazing to me how devoted students were to their culture’s beliefs. It caused me to think about how so many people believe such different things and if Christianity is THE right one, then why doesn’t it stick out or obviously rise above these other religions? How come Christians as a whole are not as devoted to their beliefs as Muslims are? Why aren’t Pagans being struck by lightning if they are so evil? When I asked questions similar to these a long time ago, I was taught that everyone has the knowledge of Jesus deep down in their hearts. They just choose to ignore it. But suddenly that didn’t seem fair. The only reason I believed in Jesus as The Savior was because that’s what I grew up believing. What if I had been born in Iraq? I would be just as devoted to Allah. These people didn’t seem to have any doubts whatsoever about their beliefs. In fact, they seemed way more solid in their stance than most Christians I knew. They prayed everyday and asked for miracles and somehow God had shown himself to them in his own way. They had experienced things they considered to be miracles, just like Christians do. So, why would they ever have a reason to doubt their religion?

Another thing I noticed…a lot of nonChristians were really nice and much more pleasant to be around. There was only a few Christians on campus that I knew about. I befriended one of them and it turned out that she was quite the backstabber. In fact, she admitted it one day before she took off to her Bible study where she was teaching about forgiveness. She wanted me to forgive her real quick before she did that. Wow. My closest friend there ended up being someone who was a nonChristian. She was and still is one of the most honest, genuine people I know.

I remember a saying that went something like the fruit of your life should be reflecting your walk with God. If someone is on the right path (Christian-speaking), then there should be evidence, or fruit of that. Well, God’s fruit is looking pretty withered up and crappy these days. I’m having a real hard time finding any that doesn’t have worms in it.

Being associated with a liberal college, meant that I got to see Christians and their behavior from a different viewpoint. I never made it well-known that I was Christian because I always felt like it was better that people get to know me first and even then I would only speak about it if someone else brought it up. Students from the local Christian university visited the campus one time when well-known atheist and author, Richard Dawkins was speaking. The students made asses of themselves by standing up and asking obnoxious questions and came across as arrogant and rude. Whether they were true or not, I heard stories from co-workers and students about how the Christian university students treated them, looked down on them, assumed things about them, and were just plain mean at times. I was embarrassed to be associated with Christians during that time, so I really kept it to myself after that.

In 2007, I was pregnant and so became quite the hated one. Feminists don’t like that too much, so I left. After the baby was born, jobs were becoming very hard to find due to the economy so I stayed home a long time. For the first time since I was 15 years old, I was unemployed. A strange feeling that was. I rocked my new baby boy everyday for hours and while he napped, my older son was in school, I had a lot of time to think and ponder things. I watched documentaries on tv and talk shows. I searched the internet researching every topic I could think of.  I didn’t know many people in this new town so I was quite lonely, aside from my husband and sons. I thought a lot about God and life and the universe.

When there is no influence from outside sources for some time, things start to look clearer and I began to realize that so much of what I believed was just simply a product of my culture. What if I had grown up somewhere else? I probably wouldn’t be Christian. I began to understand what it must be like for people who are brainwashed in a cult. I’m not trying to imply at all that Christianity is a cult and is about brainwashing. I’m trying to say what it felt like to me. Everyone who taught me about the Bible, God, and Jesus believes it with their whole heart too…no one was trying to deceive anyone. But what if they only believe because their parents believed it, and their grandparents believed it, and so on.

How do I KNOW that the Bible is THE book, THE truth? Muslims are 100% convinced that the Kuran is THE truth. Mormons are 100% convinced that the Book of Mormon is THE truth. Somebody’s lying!! Not intentionally. But still.

One day, I saw Sylvia Browne on the Montel Williams show. Sylvia is a well-known psychic medium who has wrote many books on what she believes the afterlife is like. I began thinking a lot about that. I was always taught that psychic stuff, astrology, magic, new age stuff…all of that… is evil and satanic and we should stay away from it. But that wasn’t making much since to me since psychics don’t seem to be spreading evil of any sort. So if they are so evil, then Satan is pretty dumb.

I didn’t know if Sylvia Browne was the real deal or not, but I decided to do some research on the whole psychic and paranormal topic. I started listening to the Paranormal Podcast on JimHarold.Com. I still love that show. Jim interviews authors of books on all kinds of subjects such as UFOs, ghosts, spirits, the other side, near death experiences, reincarnation, angels, etc. Jim is a healthy skeptic and does a good job of just listening to all sides of the stories and letting the listener decide what to think about it.

By the way, I did a little research on Sylvia Browne and apparently there is controversy around her work and she doesn’t seem like a good person to study so I did move on to more credible people to study eventually. Before finding that out, I read one of Sylvia Browne’s books about the other side and what it’s supposed to be like after we die. Somewhere in the middle of that book was when a light bulb suddenly flipped on and the wires finally connected in my brain. It wasn’t even the book’s fault. I don’t even remember what it said. It was something so small that just finally broke the camel’s back. It was strange how it was so sudden. I remember standing in my bedroom and sobbing. It was the first time EVER in my life that I truly contemplated the possibility that there is no God. No Jesus. No invisible person who has been my best friend forever. I was talking to the air my whole life? It wasn’t totally a choice to not believe. It really was a moment of “Oh my God! What if everything I have believed is wrong??” It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I did not like it. My entire foundation of life…gone. This higher power that loves me, leads me, knows me, keeps me safe and warm…never there. My heart broke in a million pieces that day. It was the loneliest feeling on earth. I cried and yelled up at the ceiling, begging God to show me He really is there. I said I would give it 2 weeks. I begged and pleaded for God to somehow, big or small, give me a sign that this light-bulb moment is wrong. I NEED to know, God! I don’t want to doubt. I don’t want to not believe! But I can’t just believe because people told me to, just because a book told me to. Surely you understand that I must have something to go on. How do I know the Bible came from you, God? How can I KNOW? How do I know that all those evil men and kings through the centuries didn’t add and subtract all kinds of things to benefit themselves…to convince a kingdom that God said don’t do this or else! How easy would that be? What’s stopping evil people from doing that? Why wouldn’t they use religion to control their people? This would make sense why certain strange things are in the Bible that don’t seem consistent with God!

So anyway, I gave God 2 weeks to show me these new revelations were wrong. I swore that if He would just give me a tiny little sign, then I would toss all these doubts out the window and never doubt again. Every night I cried and begged God again until 2 weeks was up. No sign ever came from God that I could see. I was constantly looking for one, so if any coincidence had happened I would’ve assumed it was God. But no. Nothing. I wanted desperately to go back to believing. I wanted to go back to my comfortable, warm spot on the church pew where I knew all about life and I didn’t have to worry because God was going to take care of us. We were on the good side. The right side. We didn’t have to worry about evil. But I just can’t believe something because I want to. I have to know it in my soul.

I became depressed, devastated, and angry at the world for about a year or two. It was like mourning the death of my closest friend. I was so angry and upset and hurt that I wouldn’t have anything to do with anything remotely Christian. I wouldn’t listen to a single church song. I wouldn’t sing like I used to love to do. I threw away my Bibles…even my duct-taped, highlighted, ripped up Bible. I figured if there was a God, maybe He would punish me for throwing away his book but he didn’t that I know of.

In hindsight, I believe that this happened because I needed to wipe the slate clean of all of my beliefs and start completely over.

And after my anger ran its course and faded away, so begins my search for what is real. Surely there is SOMEthing more than just what we see in the world. I did eventually come back to believing there is a God, but now I don’t know who God is anymore and I have to figure that out. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure and that drives me crazy, but I’m going to at least be educated as much as I can about it and see what I can find.

My first task will be to read some books or websites about the history of religion. Where and when did it start and how it evolved. If anyone has reading recommendations, I’d be glad to give them a try. My fear is that every book about this subject will be biased in some way and I’ll still be confused as ever. It makes me angry sometimes that the truth is so dern hard to find! I just want the truth…not everybody’s opinion. Where are the FACTS?

My Beginnings: The Church

Raised in the southern baptist Bible belt, I grew up believing there is God, Jesus, and the Bible…and that’s it. No doubt about it. I was always the kind of kid that wanted to be the one doing the “right thing” so I went to church most every Sunday. If my mother didn’t want to go, then I would hitch a ride with my grandmother who played the piano. Around 11 years old, I found out that I needed to be “saved” in order to go to heaven and “saved” meant saying a certain prayer and then being baptized in front of the church congregation. I did all of that and meant it and believed it with all of my heart. I tried to read my Bible and pray frequently.


Aside from occasional rebellious streaks, my high school years were spent still believing wholeheartedly in mainstream Christianity. I was outspoken about my beliefs. I even wore shirts to school that stated prayer needed to be back in our schools. I sang a religious song “Walk Around Me Jesus” in front of the entire student body knowing that I wasn’t “supposed” to do that because the separation of church and state was still an ongoing controversy. During an honor’s society picnic full of students and parents I sang a religious song and rebelliously sang the verses about God and Jesus even though my teacher had given me alternate words to sing. When I believe in something, I REALLY believe it. I live it. I breathe it. It becomes who I am and I’m not afraid to stand up for it. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl.

Around the age of 15 I stopped going to church as much because I was busy being a teenager, getting my license, staying out late, and being mischievous. At the age of 19, mischievousness came to a head and I desperately threw myself into the arms of a new church. A big church with a modern youth ministry was a great way to keep myself out of trouble and walk the straight and narrow path. This time I became even more dedicated to Christianity. I read the Bible, marked and highlighted all in it until it was falling apart and had to be duct-taped to hold it together. I prayed like nobody’s business. God was my best friend and confidant. I told Him EVERYthing. I counted on Him for EVERYthing. I cried to Him. I sang to Him. I talked about Him to everyone in my life. I cared about everyone’s soul and cried when I couldn’t get a friend to believe and be saved so they wouldn’t go to hell. I was going to change the world by praying in Jesus’ name for everybody in it, even if I had to pray for each person in the world by name. We went on mission trips and we went door to door and begged people to give their hearts to Jesus. I walked up to random strangers and told them God loves them just because I felt like He was leading me to do that. I was obnoxious…embarrassingly obnoxious. If I had thought God was telling me to shoot myself in the face, I would’ve done it. I was THAT sure about what I believed. I was willing to die for it if I absolutely had to because the reward in eternal heaven would be worth it.

I always had questions about various things in the Bible that didn’t make sense to me but I always thought it was because I had not matured enough as a Christian to understand that part yet. Phrases such as “God works in mysterious ways.” “God’s ways are not our ways.” were thrown around anytime we didn’t understand something.

I became a youth staff member and built relationships with troubled teenagers and cried with them and prayed with them and tried to give them the same hope I had. I helped stand up for them when the church elders became upset over the growing teen population inside the church. If the church was doing something, I was there. I taught Vacation Bible School, helped in the nursery, joined the praise and worship team and helped transition a stubborn traditional congregation over to a modern praising and worshipping congregation. Decade-long members became furious and left the church for good. We got lots of smart-ass remarks from people who I never would’ve expected. The person in charge of the sound board began refusing to turn the sound system on for us and so we praised and worshipped like idiots on the stage while no one could hear it. I left church almost every Sunday in tears. I couldn’t understand how this happens INSIDE the church.

Youth pastors came and went frequently because it was too much stress and harassment for any person to have on their shoulders for too long. It was sad to watch what the church did to their spirit over a course of 2 or 3 years. Eventually, I had enough too. I tried changing churches several times only to find that they were having the exact same problems. Disappointed in humanity, depressed, and feeling alone in the battle, I gradually stopped going to church altogether. Who would’ve thought such a battle existed IN the churches. Something as simple as a teenager unknowingly wearing a forbidden baseball cap inside the sanctuary, was enough to cause long-time church members to turn into the devil. I had never seen such evil and eventually I decided it was not my battle to fight. It was God’s and I need to get out of the way. Surely He would understand why I didn’t want to be in the midst of the lion’s den all the time.

Years went by, my husband, our son, and I moved to another city 1 hour away, we visited a couple of churches in our new city only to find the attitudes and snobbishness to be even worse than our hometown. I decided I was done with church. Obviously it was not for me and I didn’t want my son growing up in that crap. That was not how I wanted him to view God. I would just have to teach him all about God myself.

In my next post, I will explain what led up to the day, hour, and minute that I came to the conclusion that God never existed…